Curiosity takes me to letting go and the colour grey
The colour grey is sometimes related to loss, a lack of emotion and moodiness. It is also described on Empower yourself with color psychology as an unemotional colour. It is detached, neutral, impartial and indecisive – the fence-sitter. I contemplated the various associations as I thought about the process of letting go.
Why is it so hard? I don’t mean the acquaintances who drift out of your life because you don’t call as often. They are relatively easy to get back, if you make an effort to stay in touch. I mean the people whom you consciously decide to take out of your life because they are a negative influence.
There was one other time that I can remember “unfriending” someone. That one was relatively easy. In my last year of university I decided to share an apartment with a girl from one of my classes. I didn’t know her all that well, but the rent was cheap and I could walk to school. Unfortunately, I hadn’t asked enough questions and she turned into this very controlling person – no parties, no noise before 7 am, fridge segregated by food type…There was certainly no lack of emotion, indecisiveness or fence-sitting in my decision three months later to run, and run fast. But not before holding a party, where a decent number of people came, made noise, and messed up the place a bit. My favourite was my sister’s boyfriend at the time (not for long after) who proceeded to hit on every girl there including my room-mate. She was not impressed! I did feel a bit guilty.
I wonder if there is a colour for guilt, as that is what I feel after this more recent incident. It has taken me a long time to finally decide not to talk to this person. Being an introvert, I don’t have an enormous group of friends – I prefer a smaller number of close friends. Therefore, it generally takes me a long time to decide that the drain on my emotions outweighs the benefit of a friendship. I didn’t always have the choice to interact with this person, and most discussions were negative. After one phone call, I just kind of snapped and wrote a letter that was very blunt, but left nothing ambiguous as far as my desire to keep in touch. I quickly ran to the mail box and shoved it in, as I figured I would change my mind with some time to think about it. Using some of my skills at making excuses, I rationalized that the blunt approach was the only way to deal with this person as they would continue to call if I were soft. So far that has worked, but not without me continuing to feel badly.
I am going to try to fully let go, as guilt is such a negative emotion. With age, I have vowed to try to be a bit easier on myself and, like the sun sparkling on the snow, this can be beautiful.
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. Havelock Ellis